parody

The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-cortez-we-need-to-study-harder-than-republicans-for-these-upcoming-midterms

WASHINGTON, D.C.—All Republican members of the United States Senate have been placed on official lockdown after known murderers publicly made ominous threats of violence against them.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/senate-on-lockdown-after-receiving-credible-threat-from-known-killers

BRIGHTON, ENGLAND—After internet mobs began relentlessly attacking Matt Redman for his “racially insensitive” last name, the singer has come forward to announce that he will be changing his name to “Matt Native American” to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with his previous surname.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/matt-redman-forced-to-change-name-to-more-politically-correct-matt-native-american

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the midst of Judge Kavanaugh’s ongoing confirmation process, Bill Clinton offered a few words in order to discourage the Senate from confirming the man to the Supreme Court, claiming that “allegations of sexual misconduct should disqualify a man from public office.”
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/bill-clinton-allegations-of-sexual-misconduct-should-disqualify-a-man-from-public-office

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After resigning from his position in the Catholic Church in disgrace, ex-Cardinal Theodore McCarrick has reportedly signed on for a role in a sequel to The Predator, a reboot of the classic film franchise.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/ex-cardinal-mccarrick-signs-on-for-predator-sequel/

News
Christian Living
Celebs
Politics
Church
Lifestyle
Sports
Entertainment

Home Politics
PoliticsU.S.
Democrats Threaten To Abandon Final Shred Of Sanity If Kavanaugh Confirmed
September 10, 2018

23.2k
Shares
U.S.—Democrats across the nation have threatened that they will abandon their final remaining shred of sanity should the Republican-controlled Senate vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court in the next few weeks.

From Democratic senators to lay voters, liberal-leaning citizens have promised they will begin their wacky antics in earnest should the inevitable confirmation occur.

“I know it seems like we’re already totally nuts,” said Senator Cory Booker. “But believe you me—you ain’t seen nothing yet. We’re talking rending our garments and smashing stuff, constantly comparing ourselves to tragic martyrs on film and television, even punching ourselves in the face. And we’ll do it around the clock.”

“I’m talking full-on insanity, people. I AM SPARTACUS! I AM MASTER CHIEF! I AM WILLIAM WALLAAAAAACE!!!” he added before aides were forced to restrain him. “Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!”

Run-of-the-mill Democrat voters across the country have joined their nearly unhinged leaders in vowing to destroy their last vestige of reasonable behavior if the judge is confirmed for a SCOTUS seat.

“I’m going to dress up as genitals, go out into the streets, and yell at passersby for no reason at all, every day,” said Santa Clarita progressive Dennis Anderson. “I’m warning you: the last shred of sanity I have will go up in flames should Kavanaugh be confirmed. It’s my scorched earth policy.”
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/democrats-threaten-to-abandon-final-shred-of-sanity-if-kavanaugh-confirmed/

Outrage After Obama Outed As White Supremacist
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/outrage-after-obama-outed-as-white-supremacist/

Ocasio-Cortez then pointed out that if we would just raise the minimum wage to somewhere in the millions like the socialist South American country did, everyone will be a millionaire.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-cortez-praises-venezuela-for-making-everyone-a-millionaire-through-hyperinflation/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a long discussion with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, President Donald Trump has announced the details of a new trade deal with Mexico that will replace NAFTA. The highlight of the deal was securing Americans unlimited chips and salsa.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/trump-secures-unlimited-chips-and-salsa-in-mexican-trade-deal/

BOULDER CITY, AZ—It was another busy day for Hollie Garmon as a member of a vulnerable group who could theoretically be subject to discrimination by a local business.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/member-of-marginalized-group-searches-phone-book-for-local-business-to-be-oppressed-by/