NEW YORK, NY—Star Democratic political candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez finally accepted a challenge to debate her economic plan with Count von Count, esteemed number expert from Sesame Street, on a special guest appearance that aired Friday.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-cortez-appears-on-sesame-street-to-debate-economic-plan-with-the-count/
U.S.—Laying their cards on the table with the midterms approaching, the nation’s Democrats have united to send a clear message: socialism is America’s only hope of ending the current nightmare of economic prosperity.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/dems-socialism-is-the-only-way-to-end-this-nightmare-of-prosperity/
Ginsburg: ‘I Am Mentally Fit Enough To Serve Through The End Of President Eisenhower’s Term’
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/ginsburg-i-am-mentally-fit-enough-to-serve-through-the-end-of-president-eisenhowers-term/
Strapped for cash and down on his luck, Santa Barbara high school chemistry teacher, Winston Silver found himself in a desperate situation. He was looking for any opportunity to use his teaching or chemistry skills to bring his family some much-needed additional income. When the city of Santa Barbara passed a ban on plastic straws, Silver noticed that plastic straws were now being sold on the black market at an incredibly high cost but inferior quality.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/struggling-chemistry-teacher-takes-to-life-of-crime-manufacturing-plastic-straws-to-sell-on-streets-of-santa-barbara/
PACIFIC OCEAN—According to a spokesperson for the Discovery Channel, this year’s Shark Week special programming will emphasize social justice issues facing the shark population, including a roundtable forum of notable sharks discussing Great White Privilege.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/shark-week-features-roundtable-discussion-about-great-white-privilege/
WASHINGTON, D.C.—House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has confirmed to her constituents and the nation at large that she will now be holding a weekly press conference announcing the latest reason she believes that “millions will die.”
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/nancy-pelosi-to-hold-weekly-press-conference-announcing-next-reason-millions-will-die/
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.
Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?”
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/religious-extremism-kavanaugh-caught-serving-food-to-homeless/
U.S.—As the world came together to celebrate the rescue of 12 boys and their coach trapped in a cave in Thailand for over two weeks, the Huffington Post took the opportunity to call out the Thai Navy SEALs who performed the dangerous extraction mission for their “toxic masculinity.”
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/huffington-post-criticizes-thai-navy-seals-for-displaying-toxic-masculinity-during-daring-cave-rescue/
Democrats Accuse Trump Of Sexism For Not Nominating Female Justice They Promised To Block
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/democrats-accuse-trump-of-sexism-for-not-nominating-female-justice-they-promised-to-block/
KLAMATH FALLS, OR—Del Pollo Gordo, a Mexican restaurant chain in the Pacific Northwest, has come under fire after a recent customer claimed she was racially profiled. Local woman Andrea Merz got on Facebook Live after ordering at the restaurant, where she claimed that the employee who took her order “just assumed” she would want “mild hot sauce” because she was a “white girl.”
“OMG. I just experienced some straight-up racism you guys. This is not OK. I just ordered a bean burrito at Del Pollo Gordo and the guy at the counter goes, ‘Hot sauce? Let me guess: mild?’ Are you kidding me right now? What year is this, man? Are we still talking to people like this? Mild hot sauce just because I’m a white girl?!” Merz shouted into her camera while sitting in her parked Volvo.
— Read on babylonbee.com/news/mexican-restaurant-under-fire-for-racially-profiling-white-girl-offering-her-mild-hot-sauce/